I wasn’t in Kansas anymore. Rather, I was more than 45 minutes from my parked car and two hours from home – meeting a guy I was casually dating for a rodeo. The rodeo was cancelled due to torrential rain. My jeans and cowboy boots were caked in mud up to my knees.
So, my date and I headed to the nearest watering hole and slugged back a few Budweiser in lieu of the cancellation and needless to say, we decided it was best to crash at his friend’s parents million dollar ranch (white carpets and taxidermy included). The unfamiliarity of our surroundings, the mandatory wet clothe shedding, and quite possibly the bevy of wobbly pops put us both in agreement that tonight was the night we would take things to the next level.
Things were going as expected as we tore each other’s muddy clothes off and ravished one another. Just as easily as I climbed on top of him, he gently rolled me off, looked deep into my eyes, and said what could be the most memorable words I’ve ever heard in the heat of the moment: ‘I want you to kick me in the junk as hard as you can.”
What? Weird. Maybe I misheard him.
“Come on baby, kick me. KICK ME WHERE IT COUNTS’
Ok, so I know the cardinal rule is not to repeat what your partner says in the heat of the moment. The quintessential ‘Don’t kiss and tell’ rule; however, there are some moments that just can’t not be talked about – especially when it’s to help mankind rid themselves of habits that women consider despicable.
It’s true, there are certain things you can say that will make our panties fall effortless to our ankles – but be warned, there are also things that will send us in a frenzy out the door, as far away as you as possible.
I have discovered some very shocking things that guys have said or done that has secured them a one-way ticket to palmsville.
I had been seeing a guy for a couple weeks and he offered to cook me a three coarse meal. How could I turn it down? After we had devoured our meals, knocked back a couple glasses of vino and indulged in some intellectual foreplay, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other as we cleared the dishes. I’m pretty sure my clothes took themselves off. Right then and there, in the kitchen, he bent me over the counter and took me from behind. I could barely contain myself. My toes curled, my heart pounded as I experienced what could be the most perfect date possible – that is until he grabbed the toaster and angled it towards himself so he could watch himself. At first I was intrigued – until I realized that he was fascinated with his own body, not mine. When I confronted him about it shortly after, he said,”I was making sure my gut was sucked in because I felt bloated from dinner.”
Narcissism is an immediate turnoff. We want a man that will focus all his attention on us rather than himself. And even worse than a big giant ego is the lack thereof. As soon as we realize you’re examining any changes in your body, we automatically assume you’re noticing every dimple in our behind.
For those narcissists out there, do have sex in front of a reflective surface – such as a mirror. But don’t let her catch you staring at yourself for longer than 5 seconds at a time. The mirror should be like a giant screen tv playing the hottest porno – aka the two of you doing the deed. For those who aren’t 100% confident with their bodies, don’t worry about it! By being shy you will force discomfort within us, making any additional sexual encounter very inhibited.
I was in a club one night dancing so sexy with this handsome Italian fellow. Our bodies were in tune as we swayed our hips. Not once did he try to make-out with me on the dance floor, he just positioned himself so his leg was between so I could rub my nether regions against his. He would also lean over and grace my neck with his lips, just enough to feel his hot breath on my shoulder. Like a perfect gentleman, he took my hand and walked me back to the table. He then leaned over and shouted in my ear over the music ‘I have some grape lube in my pocket that you can rub on me later… so you don’t have to taste my sweaty balls.”
If you have any inclination that you’re not squeaky clean down there, do not, for even a nano second expect any female to go down there. Hygiene is a must-have when it comes to desirable qualities in a man. If you can smell yourself, multiply that by 10000 and that’s why we have to endure. Showers are imperative. Even a quick spritz of the bits – just don’t allude to it not being squeaky clean. And if you just came home from the gym, I probably don’t want to touch it, let alone put it in my mouth, so don’t ask.
Hello bubble bath. It may sound uber-fem and a bit ridiculous but every man should own a fruit bath or shower gel. I’m not saying you have to use it religiously, but have it on had for intimidate moments will not only impress us, but the clean fruity smell of the loins will make us want to taste you…over and over. And let’s not forget the temptation for us to jump in the bath with you!
I wore a skirt that night because I knew I wanted some action from him. I knew while we were sitting in the restaurant I wanted to feel his hand on my bare knee. I hoped that by the main course he would have slid his hand further, feeling the wetness between my thighs. And I prayed that by the end of dessert he would be licking something other than chocolate drizzle off his fingers…So there we were, having just placed our orders. I slyly uncrossed my legs, giving him a little signal to proceed with some public naughtiness. He put his hand on my knee, looked me in the eyes, scoffed and said, “REAL ladies sit with their legs crossed.”
Self-righteous, judgmental guys will send our confidence spiraling down the drain. Making us ladies feel unworthy, dirty or embarrassed will force us to automatically withdraw. It takes a lot out of a woman to make the first move and initiate our fantasies. If you judge our actions, it is very likely you will never see a repeat out of us.
If we’re doing something you don’t approve of, politely let us know now’s not the time. The last thing we want to feel is that we’re being scolded or looked down on. Let us know that you approve of us taking chances, but also kindly advise us you’d rather ravish us later.
I had been casually dating this guy for a few months. Our sexual encounters thus far were quite limited – he worked at night, and I was a dancer who trained during the day. After a couple of weeks of not seeing each other we finally found a break in the action to get some action. As a dancer, I won’t lie I’m very flexible. While on my back I pulled one leg behind my head while he penetrated me. He seemed to really enjoy it so I held the position while he nailed me. After a few minutes he said, “My ex-girlfriend used to be able to put both legs behind her head.”
The Deal Breaker:
No matter how long you’re been dating a girl, never, ever compare her to your ex-girlfriend. Regardless of whether the comparisons hold your current lover in a better light that your former, we never want to think let alone hear about her. We are your first priority.
If there’s something that you want your girl to do, ask her – but don’t ever drop anyone else’s name. Just say something like, “We should try it this way.” We know that you’ve dated other women, as you’re aware we’ve dated other men. But really, the past is the past. There’s no use bringing it up.
To summarize, there are certain things that should be left unsaid. Deal breakers are the things you say that will end the relationship or limit it from progressing further – no matter what. A woman wants a man who she can flourish with personally, sexually and emotionally. A man that challenges her positively and encourages growth is the ultimate guy. Please avoid these heralds of impending doom at all costs – for both our sakes.